


sebuah rahasia

by flowerhyunjins



Series: (excerpts from) letters i will never send [4]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 11:35:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18872407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerhyunjins/pseuds/flowerhyunjins
Summary: chan wasn't losing much, so why did it feel like the world was being taken away from him?or, in which chan was built up so high, only to ultimately be broken down.





	sebuah rahasia

**Author's Note:**

> title is indonesian. english translation says "a secret".

26/04/19  
you looked happy today.

i've tried writing this letter so many times. i've had occasional words/phrases pop up in mind that instantly related back to this, but every time i tried to write it, nothing would come out. i think that's the only sigh i haven't gotten over you at all. i wish i could say i had, just like you had, but i'm so stuck. i'm so stuck and it feels like i'm suffocating because essentially, i'm nothing without you.

these are all the words i never told you. this is everything i couldn't and didn't say for the amount of time i had you. i wish i'd told you all this, then maybe you'd stay.

i...don't even know what to say. i thought i'd be okay and i thought i'd gotten over it after a while, but i saw your face. i heard your voice. i heard your laugh. i heard the shutter and clicking of a camera and it'd feel like a stab straight to my heart. i saw you and you looked so happy while i sat here, a mess on the inside and out. god how i wished you were in pain too. i wished i hurt you like you hurt me, but a break up often only hurts only one side of the relationship. i guess that side was me.

i told you the only thing i ever wanted in the whole world was to see you happy. i know i told you i didn't care if it was without me, but i lied. i lied to you. i wanted to be the cause of that smile, that oh so beautiful smile that kept me going. whenever i heard your laugh, it felt like everything bad turned good upon hearing that sweet melody. i saw you smile and the whole room lit up, because you shone that bright that you were practically blinding. your happiness was mine until you let go.

i wish i did better. maybe if i could've done something different, then you wouldn't have let go. then maybe i'd still have you with me. the maybe i wouldn't have lost you. losing you was like losing a whole half of me. there was a void inside me before we met, and upon the sight of you, it felt as if it was instantly filled. you completed me in ways i could ever have imagined. you made me feel safe, as if i put my heart in your hands, you would never do anything to hurt it, but i guess i was wrong, huh? in the end, i got hurt. in the end im the only one shedding tears over what happened. whenever i see you, you have a smile on your face, and i ultimately force one onto my own, because you've moved on while im still stuck here.

all my life, i've never been on the receiving end. i've always been the one to end things. so were you. i guess for once, you have control yeah? i bet it feels great, because if i'm like this, you must be doing better. i hope you are.

i wish i could turn back time to when we first met, then i wouldn't have been sitting where i was, and i would never have gotten to see you. i wish i never met you, even with how much happiness came into my life because of you. if that temporary happiness came at the cost of this seemingly interminable pain, then i don't want it at all. i want my boring, old, bland life back. i never wanted to do any of this. i hated the endgame and i always will. i hate what i've become and i hate every single part of me. why? because here i am, burdening all my friends by crying over some _guy._ it's pathetic. it's pathetic how something like _this_ ends up being the worst period of my life. it should've been something worse. it should've been something so so so much worse and yet it turned out to be this. it's petty. it's the one thing that makes a person look weaker than ever. everyone else has reasons way more valid than i do to be upset, so i could never talk about this with anyone else.

i fucking hate what i've become. i hate what you've made me. you convinced me to love myself but two days ago you made me hate myself with every fibre i had in me. i just want to forget even though i said i wouldn't. i told you i wouldn't but if i kept remembering then i'd be in constant pain. i just wish i never knew you. it's the easiest way out, with no way to execute it. it's infuriating and it drives me crazy, and for that, i will put the blame on you. i. i hate you. i do. i wish i'll never have to see you ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> this was hard to post, and even harder to write. took me 3 weeks to finish because i felt so much that i just didn't know how to put it all out there. this took a toll on me and it's disgusting how something as insignificant as a breakup could hurt me this much. it's outrageous. i should be ashamed of myself and thankfully i am. i just didn't want to bother any of my friends with this so i'm putting this here.


End file.
